Hello again! Or, if you’re new here, hello and welcome!

In 2020, as a brand new mom struggling with her postpartum body image, I started a blog called The Other F Word to navigate through some of my own personal challenges and to dig deeper into topics like fat-phobia and diet-culture. Along the way, I uncovered some triggers and some trauma that had formed the way I felt not only about myself and my body, but also the way I viewed others. As a mom of girls, I decided that I really wanted to break those cycles of associating self-worth with appearance and tearing down others to help yourself feel better. 

I just wasn’t really putting any of my daily time or energy into ME, and that had some physical and emotional consequences.

Candice

After I had my second child, I was SO overwhelmed with trying to find myself as a person, a mother, a wife, a corporate leader, and an artist while I had two tiny humans literally depending on me to sustain their life. I have a wonderful and supportive partner, but I wasn’t communicating my needs because frankly, I wasn’t sure what my needs were. With all this going on, I stopped writing. I stopped creating in general. I stopped nourishing my body, I stopped engaging in joyful movement, I stopped reading, I stopped looking my best every day… Now, that’s not to say I entered a full-fledged depression. I was still compliant with my meds, I was still keeping up with my talk therapy, I was engaging with my children, my husband, my family… I just wasn’t really putting any of my daily time or energy into ME, and that had some physical and emotional consequences.

In July 2022, I had a pretty explosive exchange with my dad. I’m not interested in airing our family drama, but he said some pretty uneducated things in front of my children and that’s just not something I’m comfortable with; the things he said were also an emotional trigger for me as a person but I tried to educate and to establish a boundary, and he tried to laugh it off with a joke and an “agree to disagree”. As is my nature, I did not let it go, because I wanted to leave this conversation with a boundary and mutual respect established. Due to my general lack of self-care, I was unable to maintain the level head and emotionally mature responses I’ve worked so hard for and the conversation escalated to literal screaming and tears; we’ve not talked about it since. After that weekend, I didn’t talk to my family for quite a while. In fact, I didn’t even see my parents again until the end of October, and I didn’t see my older siblings until Christmas. While all of this may seem pity-inspiring or sad… to me it wasn’t. If I could go back, would I conduct the conversation differently? Sure. But what I got out of that time apart from my family was so, so good.

Before I go on, I need to be very clear: I love my family and my family loves me. Where we have struggled is in understanding each other for who we are. In order for me to get there, I needed a catalyst. Following the divorce of my mom and my biological father, I had a tumultuous and confusing childhood and I’ve got some codependency issues. Okay, that’s putting it mildly… I’ve got some pretty extreme codependency issues that I’ve been in recovery with for over 20 years. At 36 years old, I was still constantly seeking validation, approval, and displays of affection from my family, and honestly… my family are just not affirming, affectionate people. At least not in the way that I was asking them to be. Time away from them helped me to see why that is, that they are doing their best, and that I don’t need their validation, approval, or affection to be okay. 

The first few weeks, I was so angry. No matter how upset they were with me, how could my parents possibly go 2+ weeks without checking on their grandchildren?? I would NEVER. The nerve, the audacity, the gumption, and the gall. And then I realized… if my siblings didn’t regularly bring their children to my parents’ house… they would probably go several weeks without checking on all of their grandchildren. That’s not a read… my parents are just very hands-off, and they always have been. We were raised to be independently functioning humans, rather than a community or a unit. Their lack of reaching out wasn’t personal; it wasn’t about me or my kids, it’s just who they are. I realized I could continue to be angry and continue to hope that someday they will be different if I just keep telling them how I feel…. Or I could just meet them where they are. I get so tired of meeting people where they are, but sometimes you’ve gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em. I’ve been expressing my feelings and my needs my entire life… and they just don’t have it to give. I realized that if I continue the way I’ve been going for the last 36 years… I’m never going to break free of this truly awful cycle of feelings. My family shows their love and affection in their own way, not my way, and that’s okay. Talk about a POWERFUL revelation.

Are things still slightly weird with my family? Sure, but things have always been slightly weird with my family because I am so incredibly different from all of them. But me as a person? Y’all I am starting to learn about myself in ways I didn’t even know I should. I still have so much self-work to do (it’s a never-ending process), but that one realization has led to another, and another, and will continue to lead to more, allowing me to achieve the kind of growth and compassion I’ve been striving for my entire life. Which brings me here, to this re-branding of The Other F Word into …Now What?

Now that I recognize my own triggers, and the toxicity of US culture (and some immigrant culture from my great-grandparents) that led me to certain thoughts and beliefs in the past…. Now what? Now that I see how truly unlikeable I  was in my youth, now that I understand why without viewing it as an excuse… Now what? Now that I’m not looking for validation from my family… Now what? Well… we gon’ find out. I hate the term “lifestyle blog,” but I guess that’s what this is. It’s not going to be one of those blogs where the house is spotless and everything is well-lit and impeccably styled and I’m sharing my favorite $60 moisturizer… It’s just going to be me, living my life in a 100 year-old house in a mediocre neighborhood, constantly remodeling bits at a time as the budget allows, wearing miss-matched pajamas and drug store makeup. As for topics, I’ll be unpacking some of the responses I’ve built up as a direct result of trauma. I’m going to own up to some of the ugly things I did in the past, because trauma may be a cause, but it’s not an excuse. I’m going to keep working on my relationship with my body and with food. I’m going to talk about parenting: the joys, the trials, and everything in between. I’ll talk about marriage and all that comes with it, including a relationship with a whole new-to-you family. I’ll talk about fun stuff like my sneaker obsession, YouTube tutorials, and family vacations. We might even review some products because why the hell not? It’s going to be ugly and messy and beautiful and completely random, just like me. I am so excited for this new direction and I am so glad to have you here with me while I figure out who I am and what exactly brings me joy. Until next time… go love yourself.